*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*