when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business