Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
You Might Also Like
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Respect
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.