My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine