ugh not again
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.