if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.