[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends