Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
True
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”