If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
You Might Also Like
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
January has been Januweary
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
O Wise One….
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL