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Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
How software testing works
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Scream sneezers need love too.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?