Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind