Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.