My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Matt Goss
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.