I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
all that yoga finally paid off
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.