If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine