Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
fr
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Facebook Twitter
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Dead sexy!!
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”