I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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excuse me
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s