coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.