I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
#Caturday
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid