Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.