I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them