Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
You Might Also Like
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.