Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Swedish for common sense.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough