The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.