“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
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I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Gemma Correll
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
😂🤣😂🤣
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?