Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Wait a minute
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence