i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.