Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.