Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal