George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Venn
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?