Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
#Caturday
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.