I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.