Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
🙋♀️
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I just got arrested for felonious mopery