My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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A choir of Spring onions
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one