Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
You Might Also Like
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
True?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.