When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
multitasking lunch
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
is this meant to deter me
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go