If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Breaking news:
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.