A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
security at the airport getting more straightforward