Bringing home a sharpie
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.