Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
May have had one breakfast too many
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
😩😩😩
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius