A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.