I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”