[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.