I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*