[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.