90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.