You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
HR said no more nunchucks.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM