I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
spot the difference
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.