If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
my mom making me talk to relatives
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.