Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.